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婆婆
   

  

  婆婆

  ——酸枣小孩

  

  

    

  到今年的农历六月二十四,婆婆去世已经六周年了。逝者而已矣。六年的光阴流转,或许会使一些人遗忘了曾在他们生命中走过的另一些生命。而我这个局外人,却总也无法忘记婆婆临终时死不瞑目的样子。还有她那只伸向输液瓶的骨瘦如柴的手,执著而绝望。我知道,那是一种对生命的无限留恋。她是不甘心就这样走了啊!可怜的婆婆,因为吃药,她的口腔严重溃烂,临终前已经无法开口说话。她就这样挣扎着无声无息地去了。

  这是我平生第一次亲眼目睹一个顽强而鲜活的生命在病魔的吞噬下,日渐萎缩,消逝。心中充满了无奈和哀伤。生命真的是很脆弱。

  所有认识的不认识的,听说过婆婆的人,都为之扼腕叹息。确实是应该叹息的。婆婆苦熬了三十年,从年轻熬到年老,终于熬到公公快退休了,三十年的两地分居终于可以结束了,可是她仍是没有熬到这苦尽甘来的一天。屋里墙上,当年姐弟俩相继考上大学,学校发的“模范家长”的奖状仍然使人们对这位卓有功绩的母亲羡慕不已,而正当儿女们准备回报母爱的时候,她却来不及享受一点,便撒手而去了。婆婆她可曾知晓,女儿由于悲痛过分而晕倒在她的坟前,儿子痛苦得用头撞墙,泣不成声地念叨着……子欲养而亲不待……。子欲养而亲不待啊!

  婆婆为这个家立下了汗马功劳,以她三十年的青春年华为代价。三十年啊,她用自己瘦弱的双肩,一边扛着这个家,一边扛着学校的事务(她是小学校的校长)。其间流了多少泪,吃了多少苦,只有她自己明了。强邻相欺,小人嫉恨,族人不睦,这一切都要她这个弱女子去面对,去承受,去据理力争。人们说她的病是因气而起,也不无道理。公公是个老实得有点懦弱的人,根本不能为她遮风挡雨,况且他一年里难得回来一次。家里的事他是一概不管的,甚至连建房子这样的大事。他只是回来一趟,把钱往婆婆面前一甩,说钱我拿来了,你看该咋干就咋干吧。然后拍拍屁股就走了。这就是农村人所说的“甩手掌柜”吧。家里的正房偏房院墙门楼都是婆婆一个人跑前跑后地请人建起来的。一个男人有多无用,一个女人就有多要强。

  可是我知道,婆婆的心里是苦的。无论她的表面看上去是多么坚强,开朗。那年的春节,我亲眼看见她一边置备年货一边悄然拭泪。公公他真是不懂得女人的心吗?为什么每年的春节他都不愿回来呢?难道多挣那几个钱就那么重要,比与家人团聚共享天伦之乐还重要?甚至在婆婆被查出得了癌症之后,他仍是不愿回来陪伴婆婆。他的理由是不挣钱哪来钱治病呢,可是有些时候亲人的相伴比用钱买来的药对病人更能起到好的疗效。可惜公公不懂得这个道理。仍是按他的思维方式拼命地在外面挣钱,婆婆去世之前的那个春节,公公仍是没有回家过年。而婆婆就是在那时病重的,之前她连续咳嗽了四个月,终于把化疗时气管上的一个旧疤咳了出来,从此便不能进食。医生曾说过只要能撑过五年不犯病,就不用担心了。而那一年正好是第五个年头。

  我不能把一切责任都推到公公身上。我知道他是个好人。他穿着破破烂烂的衣服,吃着粗茶淡饭,尽量地不花费一分钱;他一心一意地对所有的人好,唯恐得罪了任何一个。他不知道,他应该对他好的人只有一个,那就是婆婆。这个女人替他负起了生活中的所有重担,他才能够在自己的世界里单纯地心安理得地生活,像一个不谙世事的孩子。

  或许应该说如果。如果怎样怎样,结果或许会是另一个样子。可是生活本身是不能假设的。婆婆,这个要强的女人,受尽了生活中的感情上的苦,凄凄然地走了。我依然记得,她曾对着我充满自信地笑着说,等我病好了,我就要为你们服务了。我知道她指的是抱孙子。我的心里满是悲凉。

  公公在婆婆病重的那两个月,日日夜夜地守护着她,没有一丝一毫的懈怡,全然不顾酷暑炎炎,汗水在他矮胖的身体上恣肆漫涎。或许好书共读巴菲特不能学那能学谁他是想把过去三十年里对婆婆的亏欠都补上吧,也或许他是希望用自己的努力来挽回婆婆的生命。可是一切都太晚了。

  六年前,公公曾像一个女人似的坐在地上号啕大哭,其悲痛的程度,可想而知。六年后,他却连婆婆的忌日也忘却了。我无法理解,就像我无法理解公公在刚过了婆婆“三七”之日,就急匆匆地去相亲一样。婆婆那时尸骨未寒。以我一颗现代年轻人的心,我无法参透老一辈夫妻之间的感情玄机。

  儿子替父亲辩护说,你不能太苛求他,他们也只是一对普普通通的农村夫妻,又是常年的分居生活,哪有那么深厚的感情。是啊,我不能太苛求我的公公。他也是一个心地善良的人。每个人都有其要求生活的权利,都有其选择人生模式的自由。现在他又有了一位可以疼爱的妻子,多了一个乖巧可爱的女儿,对于他来说未尝不是一件好事。死者而已矣。儿子说我已经对不起一个了,不能再对不起另一个,他想怎样就怎样吧,只要他过得开心。

  其实这世间的事就这么简单。去的去,来的来。在这去来的中间,势必会有一些颠倒错乱。造物主这样的安排,或许会对一些人不公平。但这世界上又有多少事是公平的呢?

  该忘却的就把它忘却了吧。做人何必要死死地抓住一些东西,使自己无法轻松呢。何况我只是一个局外人。可是,每次去给婆婆上坟的时候,那儿子痛彻心肺的哭声,却常常使我的心更加地不能轻松。

  丧妻之痛可以忘却,丧母之痛却断难忘却,无论时间老人拉扯着你走得再久再远。这就是角色的不同,所造成的感情受伤害程度的不同。想来婆婆在九泉之下,若能听得见亲儿那哀哀的呼唤,也该略感安慰地闭上她的双眼了吧。

    

  

   

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